So I had an important epiphany today. For the last little while I've felt like I've stalled in a couple areas of my life and on a couple fairly significant goals I've set for myself. It's been bothering me because I've just felt like I keep hitting my head against the wall and have been unable to, in the words of Elder Scott, realize it's not a wall but rather a step and figure out how to "step up."
I've overcome some things in my life and was just having a hard time understanding why I wasn't moving forward on these particular issues. So starting yesterday I determined to do a full 24 hour fast and then spend the morning thinking, writing, and just generally talking with God. Doing so made me realize something that seems to be fairly important, at least to me.
But first, some context: One of the things that I've been frustrated with lately is that even though I made the decision six months ago that I wanted the church to be a part of my life, I've still struggled with certain aspects of "gospel-living." Yes, I go to church most every week and have a calling that I really enjoy. However, things like daily prayer and scripture study have continued to hold absolutely no interest for me. Instruction to do so has always seemed like an arbitrary goal that holds within it the attitude of "selfish-obedience" (if you do this you'll receive blessings!). Why am I going to do these things if I don't enjoy them, and don't get anything out of them. I've believed that a more correct attitude is to pray when you feel like you need to pray, and read when you feel like you want to read.
Anyway, I digress.
The point is, I haven't felt like I've been able to achieve that goal of "gospel-living." I think I just assumed that the desire to do these things more regularly would come gradually as I became more active in the church. However, six months along, I still don't really feel it, nor do I feel like I ever really will. Hence my frustration.
Well, today, while thinking and writing and praying, a thought occurred to me: Gospel-living should never be in and of itself a goal. Neither should activity in the church. Setting those up as goals defeats the very purpose of their existence! The gospel was placed upon the earth to provide guidance, instruction , and help as we live our individual lives. Basically, the gospel is a means not an end. If our goal is to pray and read because "that's what gospel-living is all about" then we shouldn't be surprised when we get very little out of the experience. Rather, prayer and scripture study are tools to aid us in achieving what should be our true goals of overcoming the world and becoming good people. The gospel is a resource not an achievement!!! Setting a goal of gospel-living is like focusing your efforts on simply reading the instructions instead of actually building the cabinet.
Do you have any idea what this means for me? This completely shifts my entire paradigm regarding the church. Let me just repeat it in case you didn't understand: church activity is a means towards achieving our life's goals not a goal itself. Did you get that? Need me to repeat it again?
It is such a relief to realize this because it allows me to toss that goal out the window (seeing how setting it as a goal renders it basically unattainable) and rather focus on some of the other stalled areas of my life, using the gospel and gospel-living as a resource towards jump-starting continued efforts in them.
Phew... well, I feel much better. I don't know about all of you.
Well, I hope you all have a wonderful sabbath. Here's to Sunday epiphanies!
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3 comments:
K so Linc was logged in under some weird Moma thing. So, here's my comment.
Awesome! I love all your comments, very insightful. That is a complete paradigm shift. Go Chuck! I'm so excited to see you in April!
Great insight! The focus and the context of a (so called) goal makes all the difference. I thought of a C.S. Lewis quote, but actually I don't know if he really said it, but the Anthony Hopkins version of him in Shadowlands did. It was when he corrects his friend who said Joy was doing better because his prayers were being answered. Lewis/Hopkins said that that's not why he prays, and he goes on to eloquently state that he prays to change himself, not God; he prays because the need flows out of him.
Anyway, I should just call you Mark because that now raises more questions for me. Like, when Lewis/Hopkins first prayed in life (presumably as a child) was is out of pure desire then, or did it start out of obedience? When does the overwhelming desire kick in?
But that's a tangent. What I meant to comment on is that the desire for me does come when I'm worried about my relationship with God and am feeling my need for Him, not from a goal to "be a good Mormon." That's completely unmotivating. And I've found the same thing with trying to be a good mom. My TRUE motivation makes all the difference.
In short: I agree.
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