Lessons Learnt: Validation

I recently lost a friend (don’t worry, she didn’t die). Over the last two years she and I had grown close. Very close. The level of comfort and familiarity we had attained was of the sort usually only shared between family or lovers. But it’s now ended. I suppose it was inevitable. A man and a woman can only sustain that kind of emotional intimacy for so long without it either catapulting into a relationship or falling apart entirely. So, why the latter? One word: validation (or rather the lack thereof).

Over the last two years I’d gone back and forth over the status of our friendship. She always had seemed ready and willing to jump into a relationship, and yet I hesitated. I could never quite figure out what my hang up was. “Why don’t I want to do this? Why doesn’t it feel right?” I never got a satisfactory answer. The closest I came was deciding that it must be due to the fact that we disagreed on various issues.

It wasn’t until last week when we had decided that our friendship was getting in the way of us forming relationships with other people that I realized that my hang up wasn’t the disagreements or differences we had, but rather the lack of respect and appreciation for those differences.

Let me explain:

I was raised by a very fair-minded mother. Whenever I had a fight with friends, she usually would ask, “What did you do wrong?” It was infinitely frustrating, as I simply wanted her to take my side. However, what it taught me was that no matter how strongly I thought I was in the right, I needed to remain open to the possibility of being wrong. That mentality laid the groundwork of what would become core values and principles that I now abide by in my adult life: fairness, charity, love, respect, and seeking for understanding of others not judgment.

Unfortunately this mentality has also left me prone to self-doubt and indecision. How do you pick a side when you can see the advantages of all of them? I labor over the opinions I hold. I put a lot of thought and effort into every significant decision I make. Yet, despite these efforts, I am constantly left with the question, have I done right?

I don’t think this is a condition that is unique to me or to my siblings. I think we all struggle with this in one way or another. For that reason, I have come to realize just how important validation is in all human relationships. We all need to know that we are appreciated and that the things we have chosen to invest our time and efforts in are bearing worthy fruit.

In the case of my friend; she has many talents and strengths that I love and appreciate (we never would have become such great friends otherwise). In so many ways she is an amazing friend: she'd drop everything at a moment's notice if you needed her; she has a capacity to love and believe in most anyone; and she will keep a secret till doomsday. However, the one area in which she faltered was in the ability to validate. And sadly, I've found that that's one trait I absolutely need in a mate.

My friend is a very strong woman, and holds her opinions and decisions as absolutes. She is right and anyone that disagrees with her just hasn’t realized that they’re wrong yet. Any time I offered an opinion or suggested a course of action that she disagreed with, it was simply tossed aside. And because of that, despite all of the great times we shared and how much I enjoyed her, I never could fully trust her. Sure I could trust her to water my plants when I was out of town, or keep our conversations private, but I never could trust that those certain things that are so important to me, things over which I had labored and fretted, would be treated with respect and not simply disregarded as "wrong" or "unimportant" if they didn't fit into her mental framework.

So, the lesson learnt: whether or not you agree with or understand certain things about the people you love, let them know that they are valued. Let them know that the things that are important to them are worthy of their attention and that their labors have born worthy fruit.

And while we’re on the topic, here’s a great video about validation for your enjoyment. It's corny, but in an awesome way.